Talking about end-of-life care remains a topic that most people avoid thinking about or openly discussing. However, avoiding conversations about end-of-life care can lead to discomfort, confusion, and unfulfilled wishes in the long run.
According to AARP, 85 percent of adults over the age of 45 say they’re comfortable discussing end-of-life issues but seven in 10 of them admit that the topic is generally avoided. By avoiding planning for end-of-life care and failing to discuss preferences with our loved ones, we do them a disservice. Without knowing our wishes, they will have to guess what our preferences are, and conflicting views may create unnecessary tension.
Whether you are in perfect health or facing a serious medical issue, discussing your wishes for end-of-life care and creating an estate plan to formalize those wishes can give you and your loved ones invaluable peace of mind now and for the years to come.
Why End-of-Life Conversations Are Important
Conversations about end-of-life care can provide you and your family with an opportunity to address wishes, values, and preferences related to medical care, financial matters, spiritual support, and legacy planning. They help reduce uncertainty and stress during emergencies and empower family members to make informed decisions.
For instance, discussing and formalizing your preferences for medical treatments can ensure that you receive the care you would want and remove the burden of those difficult choices from your loved ones. Doing this will reduce the chance of disagreements and conflict among your loved ones over the type of care and end-of-life treatments you receive.
When to Have the Conversation
It’s never too early to begin discussing end-of-life care. Ideally, these conversations should occur long before a crisis arises. Here are some key milestones when these discussions should take place:
- Early Adulthood: Once an individual reaches adulthood, they should consider creating basic legal documents such as a power of attorney and health care proxy.
- Major Life Events: Marriage, parenthood, retirement, or a significant medical diagnosis can be appropriate times to reassess and document end-of-life preferences.
- Chronic Illness Diagnosis: A long-term health condition often prompts deeper discussions about future care.
- Aging Parents or Loved Ones: When supporting aging relatives, you want to make space to discuss their care preferences and estate plans. This can serve as a segue to talking about your own preferences as well.
Preparing for the Conversation
There are different ways to make end-of-life decisions and to discuss those decisions with loved ones. Before broaching the subject with loved ones, you may find it helpful to consider your preferences and jot them down. Here are some things to consider when starting your list of topics to discuss.
Health Care Decisions
Take some time to think about which medical treatments you would and wouldn’t want if the occasion for them should arise.
- Would you want to be kept alive artificially for as long as possible?
- Would you rather forgo treatments for a terminal illness or injury if they are proving ineffective?
- Where would you prefer to spend the last weeks or days of your life? In a hospital? In your home?
These are questions your loved ones should know the answers to in case you ever become unable to communicate with them. By completing a living will, you can put these wishes in writing and make them official.
Your Health Care Agent
Choosing a health care agent (as well as backups) is an important part of the end-of-life planning process. Choose people who know you and are familiar with your values and health care wishes. Make sure they would be willing to carry out your wishes regardless of what other family members may say.
Overcoming Barriers to the Conversation
Many people hesitate to discuss end-of-life care due to fear, discomfort, or cultural taboos. To overcome these barriers, you can:
- Acknowledge the Difficulty: Recognize that these conversations are challenging but emphasize their importance.
- Focus on Benefits: Highlight the peace of mind and clarity these discussions provide.
- Share Personal Stories: Relate experiences where planning helped or where the lack of planning caused difficulties.
- Seek Professional Help: Enlist the guidance of a counselor, mediator, or estate planning attorney if needed.
How to Start the Conversation on End-of-Life Care
Approaching end-of-life care discussions requires sensitivity, preparation, and an understanding of your preferences, as well as the emotional readiness of your loved ones. Here are some ideas to help you navigate these conversations effectively:
- Choose the Right Time and Setting: Select a quiet, private space and a time when everyone involved can participate without distractions. Avoid rushed or stressful environments. Perhaps someone you and your family know has recently gone through a situation that raises these questions, and you can use that as a jumping-off point for the conversation.
- Express Intentions Clearly: Start the conversation with an honest explanation of your goals. For example, “I want to make sure we understand each other’s wishes and views and are prepared for the future.”
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage dialogue by asking thoughtful questions, such as how your loved ones feel about life-sustaining treatments and palliative care. Ask them to describe what matters most to them and what their ideal day would be like. Some people would like to spend as much as time as possible with their family; others might want nothing more than to be able to enjoy a bowl of ice cream with a book or while watching television. There are no wrong answers.
- Be an Active Listener: Allow your loved ones to share their thoughts and feelings without interruption or fear of judgment. Validate their emotions and acknowledge their perspectives.
- Use Resources for Guidance: Leverage conversation guides and other tools from organizations such as The Conversation Project or National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization.
- Follow Up: End-of-life care discussions are ongoing. Revisit the conversation periodically to update plans as circumstances or preferences change.
How an Attorney Can Help
An attorney can help formalize end-of-life care wishes in legal documents such as a health care proxy and living will. The attorney can also help put together the other parts of a core estate plan, such as a power of attorney and last will and testament. The experienced elder law attorneys at Kurre Schneps can help guide you in putting together a comprehensive plan for your unique needs and wishes. Contact us for a consultation.
